Ranger Daggett Sez: "No Submarines!"
by MaryAnne der Esel
Summary: What happens when a crazy sea captain named Captain Nemo tries to sell the Angry Beavers and their friends to a museum?


Ranger Dagget Sez: "No Submarines

Ranger Daggett Sez: No Submarines!

By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey

[MeatLoaf's Note: This fanfic is about what might happen if Captain Nemo tried to sell the Angry Beavers and their friends to a museum. Even though this story is quite humorous, it's not as funny as my other stories. It's not meant to be. I wrote this fanfic for an angry beavers web site and I just didn't feel very creative at the time.]

"Spooty spoot!" yelled Daggett as he kicked the refrigerator. "We're all out of milk! 10 boxes of cereal but no milk! Spoot!"

Daggett ran into living room and saw Norbert on the sofa reading a magazine.

"Norbert! Norbert!" yelled Daggett as he jumped onto the sofa next to his brother. "We're all out of milk! What do we do??? Without milk we can't eat cereal! Without cereal we can't eat the most important meal of the day: Breakfast! We're all going to starve! What do we do?"

Daggett buried his face in his hands and cried uncontrollably. Then Norbert laid his magazine down on the coffee table and said "Calm down, Daggey-o. The answer is simple: All we have to do is go to the grocery store and buy some more milk."

"Yes, but how many miles away is the store? Hundreds? Thousands? MILLIONS??? We'll starve before we get there! There is no hope left for us!"

"Actually, Dagget," said Norb, "the grocery store is just outside of the forest. We'll be there and back within 45 minutes."

"Oh yeah!" said Daggett happily.

Meanwhile in the Angry Beavers' Pond…

Two important looking men were standing in a room in a giant submarine.

"Carl! Was has happened?" asked Captain Nemo angrily.

"Captain, the Nautilus has collided with some sort of wooden structure." Said Carl.

"Interesting." said Captain Nemo. "I shall go on top of the submarine and investigate. You will examine the submarine and try to determine how much damage has been done."

"Yes, Captain." Said the Carl. Then he left the room to carry out the Captain's orders.

Captain Nemo quickly walked out of the room and climbed up the stairs that led to the top of his submarine which he like to call the Nautilus. He stood on top of the conning tower and looked all around him.

"This appears to be some sort of beaver dam situated in a shallow pond in the middle of a forest." Said Captain Nemo to himself. "But if this dam was indeed built by a beaver, why are there little pointy weasel things living in it?"

Suddenly Daggett and Norbert walked out of the dam, deep in conversation.

"You know what Norb? You're a genius. I never would have thought of going to the grocery store for---What in the name of Al Gore's Florida recounts is that???" screamed Daggett as he pointed to the submarine that had crashed into the side of his home.

"Good gracious!" exclaimed Captain Nemo, astonished. "The weasels can talk!"

"Hey, Bucko!" said Daggett angrily. "We're beavers, not weasels!"

"Whatever. You little weasel things stay here and I'll be right back." Said Captain Nemo. Then he ran back into the submarine to find Carl.

"That was nuts!" Said Daggett. "Oh, well. C'mon Norb. Let's go find thatgrocery store."

Daggett started to walk away but Norbert grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back.

"Daggett," said Norb, "a strange guy crashed his submarine into our house. Aren't you even the least bit worried?"

"No." said Daggett bluntly.

"Don't you want to know who he is?" asked Norb.

"No." replied Daggett.

"Aren't you curious about why he's here?"

"No."

"Don't you care about how he managed to get his submarine into a pond?"

"No."

"Well, you can go to the grocery store if you want to but I intend to find out what this submarine guy is up to."

Norbert immediately ran along the side of the house and jumped onto the submarine. Daggett, not wanting to be left alone, did the same.

Meanwhile in the submarine…

"Carl!" cried Captain Nemo. "Come here quickly!"

Carl, upon hearing this, ran to the Captain and said "What is it, sir?"

"I have found two talking beavers in the pond!" said Captain Nemo.

"Talking beavers, you say?" said Carl, a little skeptical.

"Yes, Carl, talking beavers." Replied the Captain. "Do you know how much money a talking beaver would be worth?"

"No, sir."

"It could be worth millions, no, billions of dollars!" said Captain Nemo. "It could change everything we know about modern science. Museums would pay every last penny they have to get a hold of one. I would be rich!"

"But Captain, you are already a multimillionaire from all the treasure you found on sunken ships."

"Yes, but if I sell even just one of those talking rodents I would be ten times richer." Said Captain Nemo. "And I'm sure there are many more talking animals throughout the forest. All I have to do is let those beavers lead me to them, capture them, bring them back to the submarine, and then sell them."

"But Captain," said Carl, "you would have to go on land to capture the animals and to sell them. You vowed never to set foot on land that any other man has walked on before."

"Yes," said the Captain, "But if any man has ever walked through these forests I'm sure he would have seen the talking animals and scientists all around the world would know about them. Don't you think so?"

Carl nodded his head.

"Very well." Said the Captain. "I will search through this forests and bring back to the Nautilus any talking animals I encounter. After all the animals have been retrieved, we will steer the Nautilus to the European coast and you will sell them to the French museum."

"Me?" asked Carl.

"Yes, you." Said the Captain. "If you do this for me I will share with you 5% of the profits?"

"Five percent?"

"If all goes according to plan, 5% would be over a million dollars." Said Captain Nemo.

"Well, ok." Said Carl. "I'll sell the animals."

"Great." Said the Captain. "Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and find those animals. Oh, and by the way, tell the workers to keep searching for any leaks or broken pipes that might have been caused by the crash."

"Yes sir." Said Carl.

Captain Nemo left the room and climbed the metal flight of stairs that led to the top of the conning tower. Then he climbed down a ladder on the side of the conning tower and saw Norbert and Daggett waiting for him there.

"Oh, hello little beavers!" said Captain Nemo who was trying to be as polite as a spiteful guy who's been stuck on a submarine for the past 15 years could possibly be.

"Hi." Said Norbert. "Uh…we noticed that your submarine crashed into our dam…."

"Oh, yes!" said Captain Nemo quickly. "The Nautilus' crew is working on that right now. It should be out of there by the end of the day."

"Yeah whatever." Said Daggett. "I just want to get off this spooty submarine thingy and get some milk!"

"There's plenty of milk on board the submarine." Said Captain Nemo. "You may have some if you want any."

"Yeah, baby!" said Daggett.

Captain Nemo led the beavers to what appeared to be the submarine's kitchen. In the middle of the richly decorated room stood a circular table and 3 chairs. In the back there was a large door that led to the pantry where most of the food was kept. Any food that needed to be refrigerated was kept in a huge fridge standing against the left wall. The beavers sat down at the table while Captain Nemo got milk out of the fridge. Then he sat down with the beavers.

As soon as Daggett got his glass of milk, he slurped it down.

"Spoot!" yelled Daggett. "I'm still hungry."

Then he ran into the pantry and started looking for something to eat.

"Hmmm…" said Daggett as started to pull boxes of food off the shelves and read the labels. "Tuna casserole mix? No. Shrimp with mayonnaise? No. Salmon flavored potato chips? No. Whale meat soufflé? Eewww, no!"

Daggett picked up a sandwich bag and read the label.

"Cephalopod?" said Daggett as he stared at the bag. "What in the name of George Bush's tax rebates is a Cephalopod?"

"A nautilus is a type of cephalopod." Said Captain Nemo.

Daggett had unintentionally left the pantry door open so Norbert and the Captain were able to hear everything he said.

"You mean a cephalopod is a fancy pants name for a submarine?" asked Daggett.

"No, a cephalopod is a kind of highly developed mollusk. Squids and octopuses are types of cephalopods." Said Captain Nemo who was becoming a little bit annoyed with Daggett's ignorance.

"Squids are submarines?" asked Daggett.

"Please, just forget about it." Said Captain Nemo.

"Forget what?" asked Daggett.

"Never mind." Said Captain Nemo.

Then Daggett went back to searching for food.

"Goldfish fillets? No. Banana flavored mollusk stew? No!" said Daggett. "Hey Captain Guy! Do you have any real food on this spooty submarine thingy?"

"That reminds me!" said Captain Nemo as he turned to look at Norbert. "We haven't been properly introduced yet. I'm Captain Nemo and this is my submarine, the Nautilus. Who are you, little weasel?"

"I'm a BEAVER and my name's Norbert. The weird little guy over there's my brother Dag. We live in the dam that you crashed your submarine into." Said Norbert.

"Uh…" said Captain Nemo. "Do you have any friends who live in this forest?" asked Captain Nemo.

"Yeah." Replied Norbert. "Actually we do."

"Can they…talk?"

"Of course they can talk!" said Norbert. "Well, except maybe Stump. And there is this one guy who'd probably be better off not talking. His name is Bing and he annoys everyone half to death with his 'super cool fun stuff to do'."

"Are there any other friends?"

"Yeah!" said Norbert. "Lot's of them! Like Tree Flower, Barry, and the coyote."

"Your friendsseem really nice." Said Captain Nemo. "Will you introduce me to them?"

"Hey wait a minute! You can't take him to meet our friends yet! The spoot-head still hasn't answered my question yet!" said Daggett angrily from inside the pantry. "Is there or is there not any real food on this spooty submarine thingy?"

"I'm sure there's something in there that you'll eat." Said Captain Nemo. "Just keep looking."

Daggett continued to pull things off the shelves and then throw them in a huge pile in the middle of the pantry.

"Um…I think it'd be better if you go out and find my friends." Said Norbert. "It's never a good idea to leave Daggett by himself for more than 5 minutes. You should probably go meet Barry first. He lives up in a cave on the side of the mountain."

"Thank you for the information." Said Captain Nemo. "I shall return shortly."

Then Captain Nemo left the kitchen to search for Barry.

"Daggett!" cried Norb as he ran into the pantry. "I need to talk to you for a minute!"

"About what?" asked Daggett as he continued to toss food onto the floor.

Norbert climbed over the large pile of food and said, "It's about that Captain Guy. I really don't think we should trust him."

"Why not?" asked Daggett.

"Well, how in the world did he manage to get a huge submarine into our pond? The deepest part of the pond is only about 10 feet and he'd need at least 50 feet to fit such a big submarine." Said Norbert.

"Eh? So?" asked Daggett. "That spooty Houdini guy did magic trick stuff like that and a bunch of people trusted him."

"He was also really wanted meeting our friends." continued Norbert. "I told him he could meet Barry because I know that if Captain Nemo tried to hurt him, Barry could defend himself."

"What if he's moving in next door and he just wanted to meet the neighbors?" asked Daggett.

"I dunno, Dag." Said Norbert. "I still don't think we should trust the guy."

Then Norbert sat down on the floor while Daggett continued his search for food.

Meanwhile…

Captain Nemo was struggling to walk up a dirt path on the side of the mountain. His feet ached and all he wanted to do was sit down, but the promise of money kept him going. He knew that it was only a matter of time until he would be richer than anyone on the planet.

About 10 minutes later, he came to a dark cave at the side of the mountain. The mouth of the cave was a hippie bead door. Captain Nemo pushed the beads out of the way and walked inside. The walls of the cave were lined with modern art and a red rug covered the floor. In the center of the room was a big brown bear playing the piano. 

"Uh...are you Barry?" asked Captain Nemo who was astounded that a bear could play the piano.

"Yeah, baby." Said Barry.

"You can play the piano?" asked Captain Nemo.

"Yeah, baby." Said Barry. "I'm just trying to find my groove."

Captain Nemo strived to think of a way to get Barry back to the submarine. After a minute he thought of something.

"I have a piano on my submarine." Said Captain Nemo. "Perhaps you could find your 'groove' there."

"Oh, baby." Said Barry "Submarines are groovy."

Then Barry stood up and followed Captain Nemo back to the submarine. Inside the submarine there was a richly decorated room that contained a huge wooden bookcase and a grand piano. Barry sat down at the piano and began to play.

"Yeah, baby!" shoutedBarry. "I've found my groove!"

Captain Nemo walked through the kitchen and into the pantry where he found Norbert sitting on the ground talking to Daggett who was eating a bag of potato chips.

"Hello, Norbert." Said Captain Nemo cheerfully. "Do you have anymore friends?"

"Yeah." Said Norbert. "Bing, Treeflower, and the Coyote. Go meet them."

Then Captain Nemo went out into the forest to search for Bing while Daggett and Norbert went into the piano room to see Barry who was still playing the piano.

"Hey, Barry!" said Norb.

"Hey, little Beaver pal." Said Barry. "I've found my groove!"

"See Norbie?" said Daggett as he ate another potato chip. "This Captain Nemo guy isn't so bad. He gave us free food and he helped Barry find his groove!"

"Yeah, well I still don't trust him!" yelled Norbert.

"Well, you're a spoot-head!" exclaimed Daggett. "He's been nice so far, just go along with it like the rest of us!"

"Ok," said Norbert. "but I'm out of here at the first sign of trouble."

Meanwhile in the forest…

"Bing!!!" yelled Captain Nemo as he stood amongst the tall fir trees. "Where are you! Come out here Bing!"

Suddenly a small, green, nervous-looking lizard appeared at his feet.

"Are you…Bing?" asked Captain Nemo.

"Yup! I sure am! I'm the one and only Bing! Yup, that's who I am!" said Bing energetically. "You know what? I've got a whole bunch of super-cool fun stuff to do together! Oh by the way, who are you?"

"I'm Captain Nemo and I think I know of something fun that we could do together."

"Oh really really really???" asked Bing "What is it? What is it? What is it?"

"I was thinking that we could play hide-and-go-seek." Said Captain Nemo.

"Oh that sounds like fun!" exclaimed Bing enthusiastically. "I'll be the hider and you be the seeker!"

Then Captain Nemo turned around, closed his eyes, and started counting backwards from 20 while Bing hid behind a tree.

"3…2…1. Oh, I hope Bing doesn't hide in the giant submarine in the pond because I'll _never_ think of looking there." Said Captain Nemo sarcastically.

Out of the corner of his eye, Captain Nemo could see Bing run from behind the tree to the pond.

"What an idiot." Said Captain Nemo to himself. "I hope the other animals aren't as stupid as he is. I think I'll go find Treeflower next. 

Captain Nemo wandered through the forest until he came to an enormous oak tree. He walked to the door and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later a female beaver opened the door and said "Hello! Who are you?"

"Hi. I'm Captain Nemo. One of Norbert's friends."

"Oh, any friend of Norbert is a friend of mine!" said Treeflower happily. "Speaking of Norbert, is he here with you?"

"No." said Captain Nemo. "He's inside the submarine that'sin the pond. You can go see him if you want."

"Oh!" exclaimed Treeflower. "That would be wonderful!"

Treeflower came bounding out of her home and trotted merrily to the submarine, picking flowers as she went.

"That was easy." Said Captain Nemo. "Now all I have to do is find the Coyote and I'll be rich!"

Captain Nemo walked up to the top of a hill where he found a grey Coyote sleeping in the warm sunshine. He picked up a stick and started poking at the Coyote to see if he would wake up. The Coyote yawned, rolled over, stretched, sat up and asked angrily "Why did you wake me up?"

"It must be very uncomfortable sleeping on the ground." Said Captain Nemo.

"Yeah." Said the Coyote.

"There's a big comfy bed in the submarine over in the pond."

"That sounds prettyful!" exclaimed the Coyote. "I think I'll go sleep there!"

Then the Coyote and Captain Nemo quickly found their way back to the submarine. The Coyote leaped onto the bed and immediately fell asleep while Captain Nemo went to the find Carl.

Meanwhile….

Norbert and Daggett were sitting on the sofa while Barry was playing the piano.

"Hey, Norbie!" said Daggett merrily. "That captain guy brought all of our friends to his submarine! He must be having a party! I'll bet it's his birthday so we should go sing Happy Birthday to him!"

Daggett jumped off of the couch and ran around trying to find Captain Nemo. Norb followed him until they came to a door that was left slightly open. Daggett was about to rush in when Norbert grabbed him by the arm and whispered "Be quiet! I think they're talking!"

In the next room, Captain Nemo was speaking to Carl.

"The talking beavers and their friends are all on board the submarine!" said Captain Nemo. "Now all we have to do is sell them to the museum and I'll be rich!!!"

"There's only one problem." Said Carl. "The engine broke when we crashed into the beavers' dam. We're stuck in this pond until we fix it and nobody knows how long that may take."

"Hmmmmm….." said Captain Nemo. "I suppose we could just put them in cardboard boxes and then duct tape them shut until we can sell them. Then we'll put in air holes so the Humane Society doesn't get mad at us."

"That's a great idea!" said Carl. "But where will we find a box big enough for the bear?"

"We'll put him in the one that the refrigerator came in." said Captain Nemo. "I'll go get the boxes and you go get the duct tape."

"Ok." Said Carl.

Then Carl and Captain Nemo rushed into the closet and started looking through stuff. Daggett and Norbert, who were in the other room at the time, started to worry. Then they ran into the piano room. Barry was playing the piano, Treeflower was watching him, Bing was hiding under the bed, and Coyote was sleeping.

"C'mon everybody!" yelled Norbert. "We have to get out of here quickly!"

Suddenly, the door opened and Captain Nemo and Carl came in holding a bunch of cardboard boxes and several rolls of duct tape.

"What's going on here?" asked Barry.

"Those spooty spoot heads want to sell us to a fancy pants museum!" screamed Daggett as he pointed to Captain Nemo and Carl.

"That's not groovy!" said Barry as he picked up Captain Nemo, put him in a big box that said "U-Haul", and duct taped it shut. Then he duct taped Carl to a chair.

"Let's get out of here." Said the Coyote who was just now waking up.

"Yeah." Agreed Treeflower.

Then the beavers and their friends jumped off the submarine and onto the shore. Barry pulled a branch on a tree and all the water in the pond started swirling into a hole in the bottom of the pond as though it were a giant bathtub. After the water and the submarine were sucked down into the hole, fresh water quickly filled the pond.

"That was nuts!" yelled Daggett.

"Yeah, baby." Said Barry. "Bye, Norb. I'd better go home and find my groove again. I think I lost it when I saw that duct tape."

Barry, Coyote, Bing, and Treeflower all went back to there homes.

"Hey, Norbie?"

"Yes, Daggett?"

"Can we go to the grocery store now?"

"Sure."

So Daggett and Norbert were finally on their way to the grocery store.

No beavers, bears, coyotes, lizards, or cardboard boxes were harmed during the writing of this fanfic.

THE END 

(Question Mark?)


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